My husband and I have twins and they are complete opposites. One is an early bird, the other a night owl. One likes hot cereals, the other cold. One is very loud and out-spoken and the other is on the extreme side of bashful and shy. One is a boy, the other a girl. Despite their differences, or maybe because of them, they are very close.
Our son recently started sparring in Tae Kwon Do and took a couple of good hits. When his eyes, as he put it, “started watering” her eyes immediately welled up. This made me recall a time years ago, when they received their kindergarten immunizations. Our son was so brave and hardly flinched. Our daughter, however, when it was her turn, went into complete hysterics and it was as he watched her distress that he started to literally go into shock.
The twin bond is a remarkable thing, but what we witness between these two is more important and deeper than that. They each feel each other’s pain. They demonstrate a deep-seated empathy for each other.
Empathy is a character trait that I highly value and have worked hard to instill in my children along with a love of good literature. I think compassion is a wonderful by-product of reading. How can you be inside the character’s mind and not develop empathy for his or her plight?
The ability to imagine oneself in another's place and understand the other's feelings, desires and actions, from the inside, is a very important tool for hospice volunteers. It is certainly helpful in maintaining patience with a difficult client!
A dementia patient’s abilities for instance, change rapidly, sometimes even minute by minute. An empathetic volunteer will constantly and quickly adapt conversation or games to these ever-changing aptitudes. This allows the patient to experience a greater sense of independence instead of contributing to their already over-whelming sense of failure and frustration.
When empathizing with a patient, I try to never say, “I understand how you feel.” That may seem to negate what they are experiencing since obviously I’ve never been terminal or confined to a wheel chair. I might say, “I imagine that it must be very _____.” Or phrase it as a question to allow them to open up further. “What was the hardest part of having to leave your home and move here?”
Naysayers might think that you are making them sadder, by delving into their grief, but I would refute that. The saddest person is the one who doesn’t feel understood, the one who can’t express their anguish. They want someone to acknowledge their losses.
When I was visiting a nursing facility there was a sweet little lady that I loved to talk to. By the end of lunch however, she was usually distressed. “I keep telling them that I can’t eat this much,” she would repeat. The busy aides would tell her to leave it and brush her off. I, however, had the luxury of time to stop and talk with her and empathize knowing that what you or I could leave on our plate without a second thought was painful to her as a survivor of the great depression. I had no solutions for her, but how much happier she was, just knowing that someone understood what was for her a moral dilemma!
For the crankier patient, you might have your work cut out gently helping them to call upon their own stores of empathy. For them to imagine themselves in the caregivers shoes might make a tremendous improvement in their attitude and patience level and consequently, in the life of the beleaguered caregiver. This will be most successful though, after you have commiserated with them so that they feel understood and ready to understand others.
Each of you by merit of being in this position, probably already have a well-developed sense of empathy, but the fact that you are reading this shows that you are a top quality volunteer open to new ideas and finding better ways to serve the patients. That’s Inspiration!
Want to develop greater empathy
in yourself or your family?
Try this game. I call it “Defense Lawyer”
First, ask your family what a defense lawyer is and what they do.
Then challenge each other to watch for opportunities to play the game.
For instance, the family is driving down the road and dad gets very frustrated with a driver in front of you going well below the speed limit.
Ask, “Who would like to stand up in defense of this client?”
With some practice, hopefully the kids will pipe up
with legitimate reasons why the driver is so slow, such as
“she’s searching for an address”,
or “he’s old and scared of the traffic”.
What have you got to lose?
The whole family becomes less judgmental and more empathetic,
and with any luck, one of the kids may grow up to be lawyer!
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